UK Discovers Colonialism Was Bad, Demands Apology From... Itself?
Sources close to Whitehall express profound confusion this week as a pesky legal petition dared to suggest the British Empire wasn't just a benign global tea party. Apparently, between 1917 and 1948, some chaps in red coats might have, gasp, committed 'war crimes' while establishing conditions for perpetual conflict. This bombshell comes just as the UK was basking in the warm glow of debating
whether to 'recognize' a Palestinian state, a state it painstakingly prevented from flourishing for over a century. A spokesperson for the Foreign Office, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid having to explain irony, stated, "We are deeply troubled by these unsubstantiated allegations from the dusty annals of 'history.' Britain's role throughout the Mandate period was purely one of
benevolent administration, like a particularly stern but ultimately loving nannying of disparate peoples. Any 'war crimes' were simply regrettable acts of paternal guidance." Critics, presumably those who believe brown people are capable of self-governance, are pointing out the delightful timing. Just as the UK considers a performative nod to Palestinian statehood – a statehood already
systematically undermined by its historical and ongoing allies – it's hilariously confronted with the consequences of its own initial meddling. It's like a villain finally offering a band-aid after stabbing someone repeatedly, only to be told, "Hey, you know that first stab? That was a bit much." Historical revisionists (also known as 'people who read actual history books') are