FIFA Reminds World It Only Solves Football Problems, Not Actual Problems
In a stunning display of selective competence, FIFA has announced it will take no action regarding Israel's conduct, with President Gianni Infantino explaining that the organization "cannot resolve geopolitical issues" — though it somehow manages to resolve who gets to host World Cups in countries with questionable human rights records. The decision comes as a relief to FIFA officials, who were
worried they might have to do something that does not directly increase their bank accounts. "We're just a simple football organization," said Infantino, adjusting his luxury watch. "We can barely figure out VAR. How are we supposed to understand international law?" Critics have pointed out that FIFA has previously had no problem suspending entire national teams for far less serious infractions,
like government interference in football administration — apparently a more egregious offense than actual warfare. When pressed about the inconsistency, FIFA clarified that they only intervene in matters that directly affect football, such as ensuring Qatari construction workers had adequate football-watching breaks while building World Cup stadiums. "Look, if Israel starts using offsides traps on
the pitch, we'll definitely step in," Infantino added. "But international humanitarian law? That's way outside our jurisdiction. Have you seen how complicated the handball rule is?" The decision has been praised by those who believe FIFA should stick to what it does best: hosting elaborate ceremonies, collecting sponsorship money, and pretending corruption investigations never happened.